Journal

i quit my job for my health, but now i’m lost.| how i’ve been feeling lately #1

Hi there.

I’m going to be honest with you: I do not feel my best. Mild, but prevelant anxiety has crept it’s way back into my life. I feel as I am in a fog, sort of listless in life. I do not enjoy this feeling in the slightest. But for today’s post, I will just vent and put everything out there. If you’d like to read more upbeat posts about psoriasis advocacy, here are some recent posts:

But if you’d like to stay, you can. And if you’ve ever felt the same way I have, you can always return here and read this post. You are not alone.

I’ve had to quit my job.

After graduating last month, there was pressure to find a job–immediately. I searched for weeks on Indeed, applying as fast as my fingers could type. For about a month, I was swimming in the sea of oblivion, not knowing if I’d ever get a job.

And then huzzah!

A job fell into place. But just as sudden it fell into my lap, it suddenly became toxic. I was hired the day I was interviewed and was convinced that the job would be smooth sailing. However, that wasn’t the case. There were many issues from the start that I pretended didn’t exist. Besides that, the job was physically taxing on my body. Even though I only worked a few days a a week, I was required to transport heavy equipment and move things that I wasn’t expected to while others stood around and watched. On Monday of this week, I came home and my hip was locked so tightly that I wasn’t unable to walk up the stairs. I cried for hours, went to work the next morning, and continued to suffer more. I understood that there was nothing that the company could do about my pain. But besides that, the environment itself was draining and I was often being commanded by the male employees and told to undo things just to redo them and be critiqued. I was also being rushed from the male employees for them only to get frustrated and snatch the work from my hands. Also, a male employee claimed he was “passing by me” and brushed up against me.

I quit the next day, after my manager coincidentally called me asking “how are things?”, and I didn’t hold back.

I’ve felt very alone this week.

Not being in school for so long and not being around my friends has taken a toll on me. I spent a lot of time alone and reflecting, often getting caught in my head and trapping myself in negative thoughts. Not being around people who are like me has caused me to feel very confused at where I am.

I’m struggling with the arthritis pain, upset that I haven’t adapted to it yet.

I’ve been struggling with psoriasis and psoriatic arthritis for close to two years. But since graduating, my pain has seemed to increased. I’m not sure if the depression/anxiety cycle has affected the pain in my joints, but I’m having a hard time coping. I know the pain is not my fault, but I often blame myself more times than not for how I’m feeling. It’s very hard to function when the pain is this strong. I remember the days (not too long ago) when walking around in the sun didn’t affected me. But now I spent most of my days in bed, blogging and reading, trying to distract myself from the pain. It’s frustrating to have pain every single day and not get a break.

I feel very lost and it’s as if I’m floating.

I don’t like talking about my condition with my friends. I usually just keep everything bottled inside. Just a few nights ago, I did open up to a friend and I felt guilty. I felt guilty because I opened up to them. They were asking questions about the pain, trying to find a situation in how pain related to them. But they haven’t responded to my messages in about two days and I fear that I have burdened them with my problems. I don’t like speaking about psoriasis unless it’s with someone who has experienced the same as me, because I think others without it, struggle to process the severity of it and flee or they say, “I’m sorry,” and we move on. No one is obligated to listen to me. I will not force them to.

Thanks for making it to the bottom, if you did! I’d like to make this a series called “How I’ve Been Feeling Lately,” maybe posting weekly updates on my physical and emotional health. Let me know if I should continue!

I’m currently taking written submissions to be featured on the blog! Send me a DM on Twitter @lepsoriasisclub or send me an email: thepsoriasisclub@outlook.com

Love always,

-TPC

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13 thoughts on “i quit my job for my health, but now i’m lost.| how i’ve been feeling lately #1”

  1. I’m so sorry to hear about this. *hugs* I haven’t been diagnosed with psoriasis, but I’ve had skin problems since I was about seven years old, and last year, an allergist told me that I have extreme eczema. Some of the rashes I’ll get seem to me more like psoriasis, but a dermatologist told me they’re just “contact rashes,” which I don’t think is right. Different creams will help soothe the itchiness, dryness and burning, but they never actually go away. I agree with you, it’s hard to share what you’re going through with people who don’t get it, because then instead of them being able to relate, they just feel bad for you, and that doesn’t help anyone.

    On another note, I absolutely adore your blog theme! It matches you and your content so much, I just love it ❤ ❤

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    Reply

    • Hi there Maggie! Thank you so much for the comment. I used to have eczema as a kid, which I now think has formed into Psoriasis as an adult. Did your dermatologist say where the “contact rashes” came from? When my Psoriasis was incredibly unbearable, I’d get flares from clothing, bedding, putting my hands on a table…probably because there was bacteria in all of them that caused a flare up. Luckily, I’ve healed from that. I have a post here: https://thepsoriasisclub.health.blog/2019/07/13/how-i-saved-with-my-psoriatic-skin/ that talks about all of the products I’ve used for psoriasis, but I think it may be helpful for eczema too! Especially, the Curel Hydratherapy Wet Skin Moisturizer. This is my holy grail product for anyone who’s experiencing skin difficulties. Yes! You’re exactly right. You get more sympathy than empathy…or worse, no response.

      Thank you so much!! This means a lot to me as I just changed my theme this week. Please DM me @lepsoriasisclub on Twitter so we can talk a little bit more about your skin or people not understanding or basically anything!

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      Reply

      • You’re welcome! Ugh, that may be the path my skin is going down, too. No, he didn’t have an explanation for me – he asked if I’d changed laundry detergent, tried out new skincare products, etc., but I hadn’t, so he didn’t know where it came from. The worst rash I have right now, which first showed up in July of 2016 and still hasn’t gone away, is at the base of my skull on the back of my neck. The itchiness I experience most days is often related to the neck pain I feel, which has made me nervous on more than one occasion, since it seems like more of a problem than just a contact rash. I’ll go check out that post when I have a minute to read it! I’d definitely be up for trying out some products to help with the dryness and itching.
        Yeah, no response is the worst of all.

        You’re welcome! I’m actually not on Twitter… do you have an email I could reach you at? Mine is dreamingofguatemala@yahoo.com I’d love to chat!

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      • It sounds like you’re experiencing the early signs of psoriatic arthritis! Joint/neck pain combined with the itchiness is very common in the early stages of PsA! This was my first experience of it about two years ago. It was so itchy and hot and painful. I thought I just had dandruff! But later, a dry patch turned into a full on scab! And it doesn’t go away unless you treat it consistently with psoriasis products only. Unfortunately, if left untreated it can cause permanent damage such as hyperpigmentation (also know from experience). When you have the time, please send me over a few questions you may have about psoriatic arthritis and if you’d like to know anything more about it. psoriasis.org (NPF or The National Psoriasis Foundation is an incredible resource to reference if you think you may have psoriasis or psoriatic arthritis.) But yes! Send over those questions to thepsoriasisclub@outlook.com and I’d be happy to address some of your concerns or provide any clarity in what’s going on. And I’m always willing to help. It’s a scary thing when you’re not sure what’s happening with your body! Here’s a recent Q+A that might answer some questions: https://thepsoriasisclub.health.blog/2019/07/18/psoriasis-q-a-what-its-like-living-with-psoriasis-psoriatic-arthritis/

        Liked by 1 person

      • Yeah, it definitely does. I need to visit a new dermatologist, because the only one I’ve seen didn’t care about diagnosing me at all! Same here – the patch on my next became scabbed over. I’ve been treating it consistently with triamcinolone cream, which doesn’t make it go away but it helps me cope with the itching. I have had hyperpigmentation – I didn’t know what it was called, but that’s definitely it!
        It truly is! Especially when doctors seem clueless… they’re the ones who are supposed to be helping you figure out what’s going on with your body, but instead, they act like you’re crazy or overreacting! I’ll be sure to check out that post, as well. Thank you so much for chatting with me, you have no idea how much I appreciate it! I’ll go send you an email.

        Liked by 1 person

      • I’ve never heard of the cream you mentioned but as long as you have some sort of relief for the itching, that’s the first step. I think the pain that comes along with the itching can be too much at times. So I’m happy that you’re finding temporary solutions! Oh ok! I’m glad you have a name for it now. There’s always new terms to learn and I think (for me) in learning these terms, it made everything a little less scary. Have you ever gotten “oh it doesn’t look that bad.” from a dermatologist. That is the worst feeling. Psoriasis is tricky and inconsistent. It may not look bad in that moment but you could go home and eat something and have a flare up. It’s very delicate. No problem! I am more than happy to do so. If that email doesn’t work (was having problems yesterday), you can send something over to thepsoriasisclub@gmail.com! We can get through this together and I hope you find a more helpful dermatologist soon! 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

      • Yeah it has provided some relief, but it definitely hasn’t fixed anything. Having terms for things is a huge help! Because if you can’t find a description of what you’re experiencing anywhere, that’s terrifying, because then how are you going to find a solution? And the problem with psoriasis and eczema is that there are SO many variations among individuals with it that finding someone else who has what you have is a rarity. Yes, unfortunately, and then they write it off as “just a rash.”
        I already sent you an email to the first one, but just in case it doesn’t go through, I forwarded the email to the other one!
        Aw thank you, and I do too! 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

      • Ugh this is so frustrating Maggie! It’s definitely not just a rash. I’m not sure if many know this but Psoriasis also affects you mentally, and for me cognitively. I had to take up special accommodations in college to make school work a little easier so it’s definitely not just a rash. Heavens. Oh I just received your email. Sorry about that. It went to spam. 🙈

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      • I don’t think so, either! I’ve had it for far too long for it to be a simple problem, lol. Wow really?? I didn’t know that! I’ll have to look into that more. Oh no problem! I have that happen too, haha

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