psoriasis confidence?: i’m still not comfortable with my body

It’s been hard to admit, but I’m still not comfortable with my body.

I still am not content with how I look.

And trying to heal from the scars it leaves behind had been a long journey that I’m still on.

This is my hand. I took this photo a little over a year ago. I don’t know if it’s too noticeable, but here (spring 2018) I was already showing the early signs of psoriasis. However, I was misdiagnosed by a doctor, who called it “neurotic excoriations.”

My hands would be covered in these itchy and burning patches that would bring searing pain every time I washed my hands. Then it started spreading up my arms, across my chest, and then down to my legs. At the worst point, I was unable to shower, go outside, and then later…wear clothes.

With psoriasis came hyperpigmentation, skin splitting, and lacerations. From around late fall of last year to early spring of this year (and even now), I didn’t know what it was like to feel pretty. I avoided looking in the mirror. When I did, all I’d see were my dry patches and flakes. Once the lacerations healed, I was left with dark scarring on my back, arms, and legs from the damage psoriasis had caused. I’d wear hats and hoodies every day to cover up my body. I felt ugly, and still do–even to this day. My body confidence has never been high. I’ve always felt I was subpar to the other girls in school. I tried to change myself (see my self image story) to make myself like other girls.

I wasn’t going on dates. I wasn’t hanging out with friends. In high school, I spent a lot of time alone, with my self-depricating thoughts about how I looked. When I was diagnosed with psoriasis, everything heightened. I beat myself up for letting the stress get to me. I blamed myself for forming psoriasis, cursing my body and asking God why He placed me in my own mold. Last semester, I determined that I would fit better in with male friend groups. I struggled with dissociating from my female identity because I didn’t think I was worthy enough to “be a woman”. I wore baggy clothes and a backwards hat every day for entire spring semester, because I didn’t think I was worthy enough to be feminine. (Mental health is an interesting thing, and I’ve never spoken about my dissociation from my female identity until now.)

I don’t think I’ll ever be as comfortable with my body. When I asked The National Psoriasis Foundation about how to cope with the scarring, they said, “time.” Right now, time is all I really have. I try to keep my skin as moiturized, but I can’t help the flashbacks I get when I look down at my skin and am reminded of the days where I’d lie in my bed and my skin felt as if I was on fire, not knowing if I’d make it to see the next day.

There was a beacon of hope when Kim Kardashian West released body makeup, and showed the amount of coverage the foundation provided, especially for people with psoriasis. Kardashian West has struggled with psoriasis for years, often speaking on her struggles, but sharing how she’s now accepted it. I was interested in buying this foundation. But then I wondered if it would really help me gain confidence…if I was just covering up the scarring, without accepting it first?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UaZBQ7zDedQ

While I haven’t fully accepted my body or come to terms with it, but I know that there’s a potential to get there.

Thank you all for encouraging me to write this. Comment below what you link about KKW’s “pro-psoriasis” foundation! *Also, do you guys like my new logo??*

Love always,

-TPC

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Life with Psoriasis, Mental Health

how i saved my psoriatic skin | coping with psoriasis

I can’t help but to get a little emotional when I think back over how much my skin has improved since I first noticed symptoms of psoriasis back in the fall of 2017. I’ve come a long way. Now, almost two years later, I feel like I’m in control, and I’m proud of myself from the progress I’ve made. The first step in coping with both chronic and mental illness is to give yourself a routine and know what works best for you. Routines can be calming in that you can control some aspect of your daily life. For me, routines provide a sense of relief and independence. Here are four things that saved my psoriatic skin:

The National Psoriasis Foundation

I cannot thank The National Psoriasis Foundation enough for providing me a source of support through one of my darkest moments. After a coworker told me that I had psoriasis (before I was clinically diagnosed), I immediately researched it and tried to find as many answers as I could.

Luckily, I stumbled across The National Psoriasis Foundation. I was matched with a “Patient Navigator” named Emma, who I’d email frequently to help figure out how to cope with my psoriasis. Around this time, I’d been developing guttate psoriasis alongside inverse psoriasis. Guttate psoriasis create small holes onto the skin that are basically open sores. This one is sort of terrifying to have scattered all over your body. However, the inverse psoriasis was the most pain I’ve ever experienced, as inflammation is on the inside of the skin, causing the skin to be sensitive to the touch. It felt as if an iron was always pressed against my skin.

Fortunately, Emma provided a warm reassurance that my psoriasis journey had just begun and that healing was possible. As a way to kickstart the healing process, she sent me samples of products catered specifically for psoriatic skin. These products lasted through my winter break and helped ease the symptoms. Psoriasis slowly began to feel like something I could conquer.

Also during that winter break, NPF invited me to Boston to attend the lighting of the Prudential Center. I met others who were just like me, finding their way through psoriasis and psoriatic arthritis. I was even asked to speak at the event! Having a strong support system eased my anxiety and fear that I used to have about my psoriasis!

Curel Hydratherapy Wet Skin Moisturizer

I don’t know where I would be without this product. This was in the sample pack that Emma sent me. During the worst flares, I couldn’t shower. My skin would immediately dry in water, causing my skin to burn and split open. I was using products (with CBD oils) that I thought would soothe my skin. When in reality, I was doing just the opposite. I’ll never forget my first shower with this. I was almost brought to tears as my skin began to smoothe again. I’ve been using this since late December and haven’t had an issue with it. It’s activated by water, so you don’t dry yourself before putting it on. After using it for six months, my psoriasis has completely cleared. I fully recommend this (even if you have ezcema or dry skin).

Mario Badescu Sprays

Mario Badescu saved my skin. I’ve used all three “colors”, however for psoriatic skin I found that the green tea one was the most effective in clearing dry patches and redness. I also started spraying this in my hair every day, and found that it eased the uncomfortable sores and scalp flaking that I used to be so embarrassed about. Now, I have little to no flaking when I brush my hair. Whereas before, it used to snow whenever I ran a brush through my scalp. It may not sound like a big deal, but it was unnerving and I became anxiously self-conscious whenever I’d scratch my scalp in class, and leave behind piles of dry skin.

drinking water + changing my diet

It may sound a bit juvenile, but drinking water daily did wonders for my skin. Before I was diagnosed, because I was in a foreign country and having a nut allergy meant I was limited to eating what I knew: McDonald’s. It was convenient and relatively inexpensive. There were two McDonald’s on campus that I’d always go to for a quick meal. But in doing so, I was poisoning myself with the grease and only inflaming my skin more. Now, I don’t eat fast food as much. Instead, I trade fries for a fruit smoothie for a snack and drink plenty of water throughout the day. It may be annoying to constantly drink water, but trust me, it flushes out the toxins that will cause you to flare up. It’s essential!

These are my top four things that truly saved my skin. It hasn’t been an easy or quick journey in the least. I don’t know if people know this, but a side effect of psoriasis is actually anxiety and/or depression. I can second that. If you’d like to see a post about how I coped mentally with my psoriasis, let me know! (Skin-positive post coming soon. Thank you all so much for telling me it’s something you’d check out!)