It’s been hard to admit, but I’m still not comfortable with my body.
I still am not content with how I look.
And trying to heal from the scars it leaves behind had been a long journey that I’m still on.
This is my hand. I took this photo a little over a year ago. I don’t know if it’s too noticeable, but here (spring 2018) I was already showing the early signs of psoriasis. However, I was misdiagnosed by a doctor, who called it “neurotic excoriations.”
My hands would be covered in these itchy and burning patches that would bring searing pain every time I washed my hands. Then it started spreading up my arms, across my chest, and then down to my legs. At the worst point, I was unable to shower, go outside, and then later…wear clothes.
With psoriasis came hyperpigmentation, skin splitting, and lacerations. From around late fall of last year to early spring of this year (and even now), I didn’t know what it was like to feel pretty. I avoided looking in the mirror. When I did, all I’d see were my dry patches and flakes. Once the lacerations healed, I was left with dark scarring on my back, arms, and legs from the damage psoriasis had caused. I’d wear hats and hoodies every day to cover up my body. I felt ugly, and still do–even to this day. My body confidence has never been high. I’ve always felt I was subpar to the other girls in school. I tried to change myself (see my self image story) to make myself like other girls.
I wasn’t going on dates. I wasn’t hanging out with friends. In high school, I spent a lot of time alone, with my self-depricating thoughts about how I looked. When I was diagnosed with psoriasis, everything heightened. I beat myself up for letting the stress get to me. I blamed myself for forming psoriasis, cursing my body and asking God why He placed me in my own mold. Last semester, I determined that I would fit better in with male friend groups. I struggled with dissociating from my female identity because I didn’t think I was worthy enough to “be a woman”. I wore baggy clothes and a backwards hat every day for entire spring semester, because I didn’t think I was worthy enough to be feminine. (Mental health is an interesting thing, and I’ve never spoken about my dissociation from my female identity until now.)
I don’t think I’ll ever be as comfortable with my body. When I asked The National Psoriasis Foundation about how to cope with the scarring, they said, “time.” Right now, time is all I really have. I try to keep my skin as moiturized, but I can’t help the flashbacks I get when I look down at my skin and am reminded of the days where I’d lie in my bed and my skin felt as if I was on fire, not knowing if I’d make it to see the next day.
There was a beacon of hope when Kim Kardashian West released body makeup, and showed the amount of coverage the foundation provided, especially for people with psoriasis. Kardashian West has struggled with psoriasis for years, often speaking on her struggles, but sharing how she’s now accepted it. I was interested in buying this foundation. But then I wondered if it would really help me gain confidence…if I was just covering up the scarring, without accepting it first?
While I haven’t fully accepted my body or come to terms with it, but I know that there’s a potential to get there.
Thank you all for encouraging me to write this. Comment below what you link about KKW’s “pro-psoriasis” foundation! *Also, do you guys like my new logo??*
Love always,
-TPC
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