Mental Health

i have blogging anxiety.

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Strangely enough, my blog has become an anxiety-inducing factor in my life. I think I put a lot of pressure on myself to have perfect posts uploaded at the same time every day, hash-tagging everything to gain as much exposure as I can. I may have lost my passion for blogging, just that quickly, because of the pressure I put on myself. Blogging has now become sort of a dreaded thing. Unwritten posts seem like mountains maybe I can’t climb today. My head is just not in the space for (daily) blogging.

I started this blog to speak about my mental health, to be honest with what audience I had, to share my life, and to speak openly about my psoriasis. But maybe I placed myself in a box–a limitation that I can only speak about those things. And this past week, I haven’t really been up to speaking about my struggles, because in the previous weeks, I’ve been trying to heal from my own trauma. I think my niche of being a mental health blogger has overwhelmed me in that I feel like I can only talk about mental health. Or that I can only talk about chronic health.

For the past few days, I’ve been placing my energy in the hands of God, and I’d like to share my journey with you. But I feel like that I can’t, because I’ve created this platform of “The Psoriasis Club,” where my content only has to be about psoriasis.

I’ve also come to terms that I’m fishing for the same nostalgia that my previous lifestyle blog used to bring me. I’m putting pressure on myself to regain that following and happiness that I used to have with that blog. I thought about how I keep forcing myself to start at zero instead of just taking a break and continuing from where I was before. There is no rule saying that you can’t pick up back where you left off. There is no rule saying you have to start over every time. I left my old blog for memories sake. It was a dark time for me, while writing on that blog, because I was chronicling every aspect of my life openly…and it’s something I’d like to forget. I’d figure I’d get a fresh start with a new blog, but this one is starting to overwhelm me. I don’t have the drive and passion anymore, because I was lying to myself that I could reach the same “blogging Nirvana” as my old blog, which came from a genuine place that just so happened to gain a little following. My Twitter too. Everything about the engagement from that blog was authentic. On that Twitter, I gained over 1,000 followers–close to 2,000. Whereas now, I’m struggling to reach above 200.

I know we shouldn’t put worth on our follower count (and I spoke about that here ), but I get angry at myself for building up something and dedicating myself to creating a community, then deactivate my accounts because those seem to get to be too much, and then I abandon them to make a new one. I feel like most people have social media accounts and keep only one forever. But me, each new account gives me a chance to escape from who I truly am, and create a persona that I think people will like…instead of just accepting who I actually am.

I don’t know when I’ll log back in and make a new post. Or if I just need to stop hiding behind these new accounts over and over again. I’ve been on a journey of reading my Bible daily and creating Bible studies for myself, and that’s something I very much am enjoying right now. Maybe I’ll make a “Christian” category or maybe I will pop up again on the internet as someone new that you won’t be able to recognize, with a new URL and social media.

No matter my choice, I hope you stick with me.

-TPC

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Life with Psoriasis

get to know me | 50 questions tag

Hi there! Ok, so I never know where to start. But luckily, Becca at Hello Moonies knows how. I was searching for a random facts question tag, and found hers. I thought there were some pretty interesting questions! If you’re stumped for an “about me” post, just search on Pinterest!

  1. Were you named after anyone? Yes. I think I was named after a family friend who my dad claimed I look like. (Kinda interesting.)
  2. When was the last time you cried? Almost cried yesterday at work. But I had a last good cry last week.
  3. Do you like your handwriting? I do, but it’s definitely not as neat as it used to be in high school–when I cared about my handwriting for essays. (In college, we just type everything!)
  4. What is your favourite lunch meat? I try to stay away from lunch meat, but it’s always going to be ham.
  5. Do you have kids? LAWD no. I plan to have no children ever in this lifetime.
  6. If you were another person, would you be friends with you? Yes definitely! I tend to gravitate towards shy people, because I too am a shy person and it’s a lot less pressure (for me) to make friends with introverts. I like to connect with others on a personal level, so I think me, myself, and I would be great pals!
  7. Do you use sarcasm a lot? No, definitely not. I’m a very literal person, and actually find sarcasm to be a bit anxiety inducing because I have deep-rooted trust issues. (*Thanks to my childhood.*)
  8. Do you still have your tonsils? I believe so, because I don’t remember ever getting them taken out.
  9. Would you bungee jump? Nope, not in a million years. I hate heights.
  10. What is your favourite cereal? Golden Grahams. The most slept on cereal of all time. Everyone goes for Cinnamon Toast Crunch and forgets the good GG!
  11. Do you untie your shoes when you take them off? Not always! But I hate when they’re too tight and my foot get stuck! 😦
  12. Do you think you are strong? I think so. Psoriatic arthritis is not fun, and it’s debilitating. Anyone with a disability is strong, because basic tasks for those who are able, like walking or lifting things, sometimes seem like mountains for us. Each day is a new day of proven strength.
  13. What is your favorite ice cream? Will forever and always be strawberry.
  14. What is the first thing you notice about people? Their eyes. The first thing I notice about people is how they look at things–whether it’s intensely or coyly.
  15. Red or pink? P I N K . ALL THE WAY. It’s my favorite color!!
  16. What is the least favourite thing about yourself? I get overwhelmed easily in fast paced situations. I hate being rushed, but sometimes you have to rush in order to get things done, particularly in the work place. I get a bit dissociative and anxious when things are moving too quickly.
  17. Who do you miss the most? I lost a friend to suicide last year. It was just before Thanksgiving, and it was one of the hardest moments of my life. He was such a light to all. I felt guilty for months.
  18. What is the spark feature that has helped you the most? Ooh, I wish I knew how to answer this. But I have no clue.
  19. What colour shoes are you wearing? No shoes, just my Incredibles socks!
  20. What was the last thing you ate? Cheesesteak + chocolate cake. Very healthy. 🙂
  21. What are you listening to right now? Nothing right now, but I was listening to “Sunflower” by Post Malone and Swae Lee just a few minutes ago.
  22. If you were a crayon, what colour would you be?
    “Piggy Pink”. I just looked it up. Not sure if it’s a scam. LOL
  23. Favourite smells? Vanilla. Cedar. Apple.
  24. Who was the last person you talked to on the phone? A boy who I like actually and have liked for a really long time. But we’re too much of good friends, so you know how that goes…
  25. Mountain hideaway or beach house? Mountain hideaway. I’m actually not a fan of the beach because the sand irritates my skin.
  26. Favourite sports to watch? Basketball. Golden State Warriors for life.
  27. Hair colour? Naturally brown.
  28. Eye colour? Brown.
  29. Do you wear contacts? I’ve always wanted to, but I’m a chicken. The thought of putting something into my eye sends chills down my spine.
  30. Favourite food? Mac + Cheese with the cheesiest of cheeses, baby!
  31. Scary movies or happy endings? HAPPY ENDINGS ONLY. I know it’s not realistic, but please don’t ever have me watch a scary movie. I won’t make it past the opening credits.
  32. Last movie you watched? “Into the Spider-Verse”, after much pressure from my friends.
  33. What colour shirt are you wearing? Blue with Toy Story clouds on it.
  34. Summer or winter? I LOVE WiNTER, which is such a contradiction to my health because I have to be in constant heat for my arthritis. But I just love snow, ya know?
  35. Hugs or kisses? Hugs. Kisses are gross and bacterial. You can hug everyone. You can’t kiss everyone or else you’ll combust.
  36. Favourite dessert? Pumpkin cheesecake
  37. Strength training or cardio? I don’t.
  38. Computer or television? Computer, because I can watch t.v., too!
  39. What book are you reading right now? I’m caught in between books right now. I’m trying to restart one: Note to Self by Connor Franta
  40. What is on your mouse pad? Ooh jeez. Haven’t seen one of those since 2008. And on that mousepad, it was a picture of my mom and I at Disney World.
  41. Any tattoos? Yikes never. Plus, I don’t think those are healthy for psoriatic skin, but I’ll research.
  42. Favourite sound? My friends’ laughing
  43. What is the farthest you’ve been from home? I went to Madrid, Spain for a senior trip in 2015, just before I graduated high school!
  44. Rolling Stones or Beatles? The Beatles! Are you joking? Freaking love those guys. I love them so much I have mugs, DVDs, and even walked on Abbey Road. I truly wish I grew up in their era!
  45. Do you have a special talent? I can crack my knuckles loudly thanks to my arthritic hands! (But I can also play guitar!)
  46. Where were you born? Maryland!
  47. Where are you living now? Atlanta, GA!
  48. What colour is your house? Blue + White + Brick??
  49. What colour is your car? Oof if I had a car, it’d be white!
  50. Any pets? Nope! But I’ve always secretly wanted a lil Cesar dog.

Well, there it is, kids! Thank you again to Becca at Hello Moonies for this tag. I also tag anyone who’s reading this.

If you want to talk more about me or psoriatic arthritis, DM me @thepsoriasisclub on Twitter!

Love always,

-TPC

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