Category Archives: Mental Health

Mental Health

i have blogging anxiety.

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Strangely enough, my blog has become an anxiety-inducing factor in my life. I think I put a lot of pressure on myself to have perfect posts uploaded at the same time every day, hash-tagging everything to gain as much exposure as I can. I may have lost my passion for blogging, just that quickly, because of the pressure I put on myself. Blogging has now become sort of a dreaded thing. Unwritten posts seem like mountains maybe I can’t climb today. My head is just not in the space for (daily) blogging.

I started this blog to speak about my mental health, to be honest with what audience I had, to share my life, and to speak openly about my psoriasis. But maybe I placed myself in a box–a limitation that I can only speak about those things. And this past week, I haven’t really been up to speaking about my struggles, because in the previous weeks, I’ve been trying to heal from my own trauma. I think my niche of being a mental health blogger has overwhelmed me in that I feel like I can only talk about mental health. Or that I can only talk about chronic health.

For the past few days, I’ve been placing my energy in the hands of God, and I’d like to share my journey with you. But I feel like that I can’t, because I’ve created this platform of “The Psoriasis Club,” where my content only has to be about psoriasis.

I’ve also come to terms that I’m fishing for the same nostalgia that my previous lifestyle blog used to bring me. I’m putting pressure on myself to regain that following and happiness that I used to have with that blog. I thought about how I keep forcing myself to start at zero instead of just taking a break and continuing from where I was before. There is no rule saying that you can’t pick up back where you left off. There is no rule saying you have to start over every time. I left my old blog for memories sake. It was a dark time for me, while writing on that blog, because I was chronicling every aspect of my life openly…and it’s something I’d like to forget. I’d figure I’d get a fresh start with a new blog, but this one is starting to overwhelm me. I don’t have the drive and passion anymore, because I was lying to myself that I could reach the same “blogging Nirvana” as my old blog, which came from a genuine place that just so happened to gain a little following. My Twitter too. Everything about the engagement from that blog was authentic. On that Twitter, I gained over 1,000 followers–close to 2,000. Whereas now, I’m struggling to reach above 200.

I know we shouldn’t put worth on our follower count (and I spoke about that here ), but I get angry at myself for building up something and dedicating myself to creating a community, then deactivate my accounts because those seem to get to be too much, and then I abandon them to make a new one. I feel like most people have social media accounts and keep only one forever. But me, each new account gives me a chance to escape from who I truly am, and create a persona that I think people will like…instead of just accepting who I actually am.

I don’t know when I’ll log back in and make a new post. Or if I just need to stop hiding behind these new accounts over and over again. I’ve been on a journey of reading my Bible daily and creating Bible studies for myself, and that’s something I very much am enjoying right now. Maybe I’ll make a “Christian” category or maybe I will pop up again on the internet as someone new that you won’t be able to recognize, with a new URL and social media.

No matter my choice, I hope you stick with me.

-TPC

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Life with Psoriasis, Mental Health

psoriasis confidence?: i’m still not comfortable with my body

It’s been hard to admit, but I’m still not comfortable with my body.

I still am not content with how I look.

And trying to heal from the scars it leaves behind had been a long journey that I’m still on.

my hand.

This is my hand. I took this photo a little over a year ago. I don’t know if it’s too noticeable, but here (spring 2018) I was already showing the early signs of psoriasis. However, I was misdiagnosed by a doctor, who called it “neurotic excoriations.”

My hands would be covered in these itchy and burning patches that would bring searing pain every time I washed my hands. Then it started spreading up my arms, across my chest, and then down to my legs. At the worst point, I was unable to shower, go outside, and then later…wear clothes.

With psoriasis came hyperpigmentation, skin splitting, and lacerations. From around late fall of last year to early spring of this year (and even now), I didn’t know what it was like to feel pretty. I avoided looking in the mirror. When I did, all I’d see were my dry patches and flakes. Once the lacerations healed, I was left with dark scarring on my back, arms, and legs from the damage psoriasis had caused. I’d wear hats and hoodies every day to cover up my body. I felt ugly, and still do–even to this day. My body confidence has never been high. I’ve always felt I was subpar to the other girls in school. I tried to change myself (see my self image story) to make myself like other girls.

I wasn’t going on dates. I wasn’t hanging out with friends. In high school, I spent a lot of time alone, with my self-depricating thoughts about how I looked. When I was diagnosed with psoriasis, everything heightened. I beat myself up for letting the stress get to me. I blamed myself for forming psoriasis, cursing my body and asking God why He placed me in my own mold. Last semester, I determined that I would fit better in with male friend groups. I struggled with dissociating from my female identity because I didn’t think I was worthy enough to “be a woman”. I wore baggy clothes and a backwards hat every day for entire spring semester, because I didn’t think I was worthy enough to be feminine. (Mental health is an interesting thing, and I’ve never spoken about my dissociation from my female identity until now.)

I don’t think I’ll ever be as comfortable with my body. When I asked The National Psoriasis Foundation about how to cope with the scarring, they said, “time.” Right now, time is all I really have. I try to keep my skin as moiturized, but I can’t help the flashbacks I get when I look down at my skin and am reminded of the days where I’d lie in my bed and my skin felt as if I was on fire, not knowing if I’d make it to see the next day.

There was a beacon of hope when Kim Kardashian West released body makeup, and showed the amount of coverage the foundation provided, especially for people with psoriasis. Kardashian West has struggled with psoriasis for years, often speaking on her struggles, but sharing how she’s now accepted it. I was interested in buying this foundation. But then I wondered if it would really help me gain confidence…if I was just covering up the scarring, without accepting it first?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UaZBQ7zDedQ

While I haven’t fully accepted my body or come to terms with it, but I know that there’s a potential to get there.

Thank you all for encouraging me to write this. Comment below what you link about KKW’s “pro-psoriasis” foundation! *Also, do you guys like my new logo??*

Love always,

-TPC

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Life with Psoriasis, Mental Health

how i saved my psoriatic skin | coping with psoriasis

I can’t help but to get a little emotional when I think back over how much my skin has improved since I first noticed symptoms of psoriasis back in the fall of 2017. I’ve come a long way. Now, almost two years later, I feel like I’m in control, and I’m proud of myself from the progress I’ve made. The first step in coping with both chronic and mental illness is to give yourself a routine and know what works best for you. Routines can be calming in that you can control some aspect of your daily life. For me, routines provide a sense of relief and independence. Here are four things that saved my psoriatic skin:

The National Psoriasis Foundation

I cannot thank The National Psoriasis Foundation enough for providing me a source of support through one of my darkest moments. After a coworker told me that I had psoriasis (before I was clinically diagnosed), I immediately researched it and tried to find as many answers as I could.

Luckily, I stumbled across The National Psoriasis Foundation. I was matched with a “Patient Navigator” named Emma, who I’d email frequently to help figure out how to cope with my psoriasis. Around this time, I’d been developing guttate psoriasis alongside inverse psoriasis. Guttate psoriasis create small holes onto the skin that are basically open sores. This one is sort of terrifying to have scattered all over your body. However, the inverse psoriasis was the most pain I’ve ever experienced, as inflammation is on the inside of the skin, causing the skin to be sensitive to the touch. It felt as if an iron was always pressed against my skin.

Fortunately, Emma provided a warm reassurance that my psoriasis journey had just begun and that healing was possible. As a way to kickstart the healing process, she sent me samples of products catered specifically for psoriatic skin. These products lasted through my winter break and helped ease the symptoms. Psoriasis slowly began to feel like something I could conquer.

Also during that winter break, NPF invited me to Boston to attend the lighting of the Prudential Center. I met others who were just like me, finding their way through psoriasis and psoriatic arthritis. I was even asked to speak at the event! Having a strong support system eased my anxiety and fear that I used to have about my psoriasis!

Curel Hydratherapy Wet Skin Moisturizer

Photo by OhToBeAMuse

I don’t know where I would be without this product. This was in the sample pack that Emma sent me. During the worst flares, I couldn’t shower. My skin would immediately dry in water, causing my skin to burn and split open. I was using products (with CBD oils) that I thought would soothe my skin. When in reality, I was doing just the opposite. I’ll never forget my first shower with this. I was almost brought to tears as my skin began to smoothe again. I’ve been using this since late December and haven’t had an issue with it. It’s activated by water, so you don’t dry yourself before putting it on. After using it for six months, my psoriasis has completely cleared. I fully recommend this (even if you have ezcema or dry skin).

Mario Badescu Sprays

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Mario Badescu saved my skin. I’ve used all three “colors”, however for psoriatic skin I found that the green tea one was the most effective in clearing dry patches and redness. I also started spraying this in my hair every day, and found that it eased the uncomfortable sores and scalp flaking that I used to be so embarrassed about. Now, I have little to no flaking when I brush my hair. Whereas before, it used to snow whenever I ran a brush through my scalp. It may not sound like a big deal, but it was unnerving and I became anxiously self-conscious whenever I’d scratch my scalp in class, and leave behind piles of dry skin.

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drinking water + changing my diet

It may sound a bit juvenile, but drinking water daily did wonders for my skin. Before I was diagnosed, because I was in a foreign country and having a nut allergy meant I was limited to eating what I knew: McDonald’s. It was convenient and relatively inexpensive. There were two McDonald’s on campus that I’d always go to for a quick meal. But in doing so, I was poisoning myself with the grease and only inflaming my skin more. Now, I don’t eat fast food as much. Instead, I trade fries for a fruit smoothie for a snack and drink plenty of water throughout the day. It may be annoying to constantly drink water, but trust me, it flushes out the toxins that will cause you to flare up. It’s essential!

These are my top four things that truly saved my skin. It hasn’t been an easy or quick journey in the least. I don’t know if people know this, but a side effect of psoriasis is actually anxiety and/or depression. I can second that. If you’d like to see a post about how I coped mentally with my psoriasis, let me know! (Skin-positive post coming soon. Thank you all so much for telling me it’s something you’d check out!)

Love always,

-TPC

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Mental Health

my self-image story

When I was a teenager, I thought I had to look like this–because looking like this equated to beauty, perfection, and success.

Photo by Laura Chouette on Unsplash

My high school years were doused in the obsession with British YouTubers, like Zoe Sugg and Niomi Smart who seemed to have it all together–proper businesswomen in blazers and a full face of makeup. While I was watching their seemingly-perfect lives, I was hating myself for not looking like them.

My skin is not porcealian like theirs. I’m African-American with Native American descendants, so I certainly don’t look like them. My hair isn’t silky smooth, tamed by products catered for those with their hair type. Clothing from high end brands just seemed unrealistic and unaffordable to wear through the hallways of high school. They always seemed to find their perfect shade of foundation, boasting about how Tarte’s Shape-Tape foundation was perfect for them, while people of color struggled to find a shade that wasn’t an ashy orange.

I forced myself to change, trying to fit their mold. I would browse the racks of Forever 21 in attempt to find something close to Zoella’s cozy knit sweaters or floral rompers, when my comfortable style consisted of graphic tees and jeans. I forced myself to spend more time on pounding a beauty blender into my skin, rather than on my mental health. I forced myself to become more feminine, not only to be like them, but to seek apporoval from everyone else.

Because the British YouTubers had such a success back in the early 2010s, venturing off on sponsored trips to Dubai or receiving free makeup kits from the brands us non-YouTubers poured our money into, it placed me in a mindset that the only way to even feel an ounce of happiness (or obtain an ounce of their riches) was to act like them. Only recently have POC YouTubers spoken out about the unfairness creators of color experience, particularly on trips sponsored by brands that are claiming to cater to anyone of any race.

Like, Dote. You’ve heard this story quite a few times, but that doesn’t make what Danielle Perkins had to go through any less valid. Below is what it is like to experience racial privlege in a social setting. It’s important to understand that this is not a fun situation to be in. I’ve experienced this first- hand through many of my school years. Honestly, it was pretty triggering watching this video because it was hauntingly familiar.

Now, things are starting to shift different. With more POC females being represented in mainstream media, such as Halle Bailey being casted as Ariel, there’s less pressure to try and look like someone you’re not. Instead, there’s more of an embrace to be someone that you are.

I would like to create a skin-confident version of this post about how having psoriasis affected my self-image. Let me know if that’s something you’d like to see.

Love always,

-TPC

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